Domicile
The Dr doesn't know??
2006-09-01 07:10:14
I wake up in a hospital bed.
Apparently after being stabilised and given some morph.
The pain wakes up too...
Here we go again..writhing and moaning and groaning and shouting...no blood this time though.
The Dr arrives and i'm given some tablets.
Eventually the pain subsides to a dull ache.
I still cant move my head.
I still cant move my right arm.
I still cant move my right leg.
Time for the tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
Response from Dr....Nothing! Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
3 days later....i get a new Dr.
Time for more tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
Response from Dr....Nothing ! Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
2 days later....i get a few neurological specialists around and some Prof.
Time for a few more tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
(btw: lumbar punch becomes my least favourite procedure very quickly)
Response is pretty much the same.
I'm going to a different hospital for a different test.
An angiogram.
My mother comes with me.
I'm scared and i'm cold and i dont know what to expect.
We get to the hospital and mom talks to the dr.
Then asks to speak to me privately.
"The dr explained to me how the procedure will work and they going to make an incision in your right groin area. Then they going to insert a tube up a major blood vessel till it reaches your heart.Then its gonna release a dye into your bloodstream.Once the dye has spread enuff they going to do another form of scan on your brain"
They gonna do WHAT ???
I'm in shock and i feel the panic spread through me and it feels like ice cold water flowing through my veins.
It gets worse.
"My baby,I need to tell you something"
"What?"
"Your dad's medical aid is exhausted and we'll have to pay cash from now on"
"erm..ok"
"We want to ask you something?"
"What?"
"The Dr says that normally they put people to sleep before doing this but it can be done using just local anaesthetic.He says that its somewhat painful and uncomfortable but bearable.Will you be able to manage it?"
"Yes mommy"
"If you can't then say so and we'll get them to put you to sleep and worry about the bill later"
"I will do it"
It just got a tad worse.
I'm prepped and naked from the waist down.
The needle feels cold against my inner thigh.
I feel the tiny point as it penetrates my skin.
Damn !!
Eyes closed.
Fists clenched.
Jaw clenched.
Breath held.
Body rigid.
Here we go.
The tube feels hard and cold as its forced into me.
I feel it make its way through my body.
Its feels just like the ice water flowing through me earlier.
Finally it stops.
"We're going to release the dye now"
The warmth of the dye floods my senses and i feel sick.
My mouth tastes like metal.
I feel movement.
I'm inside some machine.
Suddenly a loud noise fills my head.
The machine is on.
I see colours...a kaleidoscope of colours.
I feel sick.
My head is spinning.
Now i feel really sick.
I want this to stop.
Please stop !
I want this to be over.
Please please stop !
The noises stop.
The machine is off.
The warm feeling subsides and is replaces by the now familiar iciness.
The tube is out.
The procedure is over.
I have a new least favourite procedure.
Nothing left but to wait for the results.......
Add to del.icio.usArticles By Month
January-2009................................................................
December-2008................................................................
November-2008................................................................
October-2008................................................................
September-2008................................................................
August-2008................................................................
July-2008................................................................
June-2008................................................................
May-2008................................................................
April-2008................................................................
March-2008................................................................
February-2008................................................................
January-2008................................................................
December-2007................................................................
November-2007................................................................
October-2007................................................................
September-2007................................................................
August-2007................................................................
July-2007................................................................
June-2007................................................................
May-2007................................................................
April-2007................................................................
March-2007................................................................
February-2007................................................................
January-2007................................................................
December-2006................................................................
November-2006................................................................
October-2006................................................................
September-2006................................................................
August-2006................................................................
Domicile
Twisted.
Thats what i've become.
A twisted individual,both physically and mentally.
Everything's different,yet everything is so familiar.
Let me guess Doc, you don't have a fucking clue..right?
Don't answer...I don't give a shit !
Just gimme the 2 week nap and the drugs and let me be on my way.
Wishful thinking on my part.
This is worse,far worse.
Much more serious.
The doctors speak to my parents in hushed tones.
I strain to try to hear them before i get the watered down version.
MS?
What's MS?
I might have Microsoft®?
The doctor mentions something about a second opinion.
Once again,a different hospital,a different set of doctors.
Same old tests though.
MR scan...check
CT scan...check
lumbar punch...check
The dreaded angiogram?
I remember the experience.
I recall the fear.
I recall the pain.
I recall the discomfort.
Am i still the brave boy i used to be?
No i am not.
I'm a man now and i'm a man with no other options.
Off to the Cath Lab i go.
I look forward to welcoming back my friend.
Simon & Garfunkel said it best..."Hello,Darkness, my old friend"
Thats what i've become.
A twisted individual,both physically and mentally.
Everything's different,yet everything is so familiar.
Let me guess Doc, you don't have a fucking clue..right?
Don't answer...I don't give a shit !
Just gimme the 2 week nap and the drugs and let me be on my way.
Wishful thinking on my part.
This is worse,far worse.
Much more serious.
The doctors speak to my parents in hushed tones.
I strain to try to hear them before i get the watered down version.
MS?
What's MS?
I might have Microsoft®?
The doctor mentions something about a second opinion.
Once again,a different hospital,a different set of doctors.
Same old tests though.
MR scan...check
CT scan...check
lumbar punch...check
The dreaded angiogram?
I remember the experience.
I recall the fear.
I recall the pain.
I recall the discomfort.
Am i still the brave boy i used to be?
No i am not.
I'm a man now and i'm a man with no other options.
Off to the Cath Lab i go.
I look forward to welcoming back my friend.
Simon & Garfunkel said it best..."Hello,Darkness, my old friend"
2001.
2001 was a k@k year.
2001 was the year that marked the rebirth of an relationship that I hoped had ended,but alas....
2001 was a k@k year.
I'm 21 now.
Working as a temp.( so still no medical aid )
It's late at night and i'm about to sleep.
And in that split-second before slumber.....it hits and it hits hard !!!
déjà fucking vu !!!!!
The same warm feeling , then hotter and hotter.
I know whats next.
I try and brace myself for the pain.
What a futile attempt that turned out to be.
A thousand spears stab at my neck and a thousand more at head.
Again and again and again.
The bleeding is next..i just know it.
Blurred vision.
Dull sounds.
The smell of blood fills my nostrils.
This is different though.
This feels different...very different.
Bigger.
Worse.
More severe.
I shout for help.
I shout in pain.
I shout in frustration.
I shout.
I shout.
I shout.
The pain is overwhelming and my entire body is twitching and i writhing in pain.
I'm going to die.Its all gonna end in a bloody pool of screaming flesh.
My old faithful friend, darkness, wraps me in a protective blanket of ignorance and whisks me away.
I wake up hooked up to a beeping machine and plugs all over me.
Different hospital.
Different staff.
Different doctors.
Same lack of diagnosis.
Here we go again.
Same tests.
Same procedures.
Same results.
More pain.
More discomfort.
More morphine.
I'm wearing a neck brace.
I can't move the entire right side of my body........again.
There's one difference this time though...
My right arm and right hand is grotesquely twisted.
My fingers are curled.
My wrist is curled.
My forearm is curled.
Can this get any worse?
Apparently yes...........................................................................................
2001 was a k@k year.
2001 was the year that marked the rebirth of an relationship that I hoped had ended,but alas....
2001 was a k@k year.
I'm 21 now.
Working as a temp.( so still no medical aid )
It's late at night and i'm about to sleep.
And in that split-second before slumber.....it hits and it hits hard !!!
déjà fucking vu !!!!!
The same warm feeling , then hotter and hotter.
I know whats next.
I try and brace myself for the pain.
What a futile attempt that turned out to be.
A thousand spears stab at my neck and a thousand more at head.
Again and again and again.
The bleeding is next..i just know it.
Blurred vision.
Dull sounds.
The smell of blood fills my nostrils.
This is different though.
This feels different...very different.
Bigger.
Worse.
More severe.
I shout for help.
I shout in pain.
I shout in frustration.
I shout.
I shout.
I shout.
The pain is overwhelming and my entire body is twitching and i writhing in pain.
I'm going to die.Its all gonna end in a bloody pool of screaming flesh.
My old faithful friend, darkness, wraps me in a protective blanket of ignorance and whisks me away.
I wake up hooked up to a beeping machine and plugs all over me.
Different hospital.
Different staff.
Different doctors.
Same lack of diagnosis.
Here we go again.
Same tests.
Same procedures.
Same results.
More pain.
More discomfort.
More morphine.
I'm wearing a neck brace.
I can't move the entire right side of my body........again.
There's one difference this time though...
My right arm and right hand is grotesquely twisted.
My fingers are curled.
My wrist is curled.
My forearm is curled.
Can this get any worse?
Apparently yes...........................................................................................
I open my eyes slowly.
I instantly realise a few things.
I can move my head.
I can move my right arm.
I can move my right leg.
No shooting pain and no dull ache.
There's no-one in the. ward.
Wait a second....I'm in a different ward.
The nurse walks in and seems surprised.
She rushes out without saying a word.
Moments later the dr walks in and starts talking gibberish !
2 weeks?
Constant monitoring?
I took a nap for 2 weeks?
A coma?
My parents arrive later and there's much kissing and hugging.
No tears of joy though.
We don't do tears of joy.
We don't do tears of laughter.
We don't do tears of happiness.
We don't do tears.
Apparently i had a hemorrhage and the combination of my body's natural healing and some medication facilitated my recovery.
Well i don't really care.
That's good enuff for me.
I want out.
I want freedom.
I'm told a few days of observation is all i have yet to endure.
If all goes well,i should be out by next week.
No pain.
No restrictions.
No limitations.
No darkness.
I'm willing to wait a few days for these things.
Time slowly moves on and soon my day of release is here !
I'm wheeled out of the ward and into the corridor.
Hmm..the sun feels great on my skin....heat....natural heat....light...natural light...air...nice and polluted and slightly dusty....but natural !!
I make my way to the car.
My mom is sitting in the front and dad is driving.
I get in...and we drive off slowly...
Drive off slowly into normality or at least so I thought.
Boy was I in for a surprise..........
The results are in.....
Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
So what the hell now?
I'm back in the ward and the painkillers losing their grip.....
The pain returns with the savageness of a starving wolf pack.
Here we go again.....
I writhe and moan and groan and shout.
Morphine rushes to my rescue.
It sweeps me off my feet and holds me tights in its loving arms.
The darkness comes too.
We greet like two old friends and i blissfully welcome its comfort.
I wake.
Too soon for my liking.
No shooting pain....just that dull familiar ache.
Still no movement.
I still cant move my head.
I still cant move my right arm.
I still cant move my right leg.
My mom is here.
So is the Dr.
What are they talking about??
Suspected subarachnoid hemorrhage?
Another lumbar punch to check for blood in my spinal fluid.
My mom holds my hand for this one.
She says i'm a brave boy.
I say i'm a boy with no options.
The painkillers have done all they can for now.
The shooting is back.
I writhe and moan and groan and shout.
The nurse says I can't get any more morphine without the dr's permission.
My mom rushes out with the nurse to find him.
The pain is relentless !
I struggle to breathe.
My jaw is numb cos i can't clench any harder.
My cheeks are numb cos i can't close my eyes any tighter.
My fingertips are aching cos i can't clench any harder.
Then my old friend darkness comes once again.
I'm led from the dark to a darker place...and then even darker still.
And so begins the first day of my coma............
Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
So what the hell now?
I'm back in the ward and the painkillers losing their grip.....
The pain returns with the savageness of a starving wolf pack.
Here we go again.....
I writhe and moan and groan and shout.
Morphine rushes to my rescue.
It sweeps me off my feet and holds me tights in its loving arms.
The darkness comes too.
We greet like two old friends and i blissfully welcome its comfort.
I wake.
Too soon for my liking.
No shooting pain....just that dull familiar ache.
Still no movement.
I still cant move my head.
I still cant move my right arm.
I still cant move my right leg.
My mom is here.
So is the Dr.
What are they talking about??
Suspected subarachnoid hemorrhage?
Another lumbar punch to check for blood in my spinal fluid.
My mom holds my hand for this one.
She says i'm a brave boy.
I say i'm a boy with no options.
The painkillers have done all they can for now.
The shooting is back.
I writhe and moan and groan and shout.
The nurse says I can't get any more morphine without the dr's permission.
My mom rushes out with the nurse to find him.
The pain is relentless !
I struggle to breathe.
My jaw is numb cos i can't clench any harder.
My cheeks are numb cos i can't close my eyes any tighter.
My fingertips are aching cos i can't clench any harder.
Then my old friend darkness comes once again.
I'm led from the dark to a darker place...and then even darker still.
And so begins the first day of my coma............
I wake up in a hospital bed.
Apparently after being stabilised and given some morph.
The pain wakes up too...
Here we go again..writhing and moaning and groaning and shouting...no blood this time though.
The Dr arrives and i'm given some tablets.
Eventually the pain subsides to a dull ache.
I still cant move my head.
I still cant move my right arm.
I still cant move my right leg.
Time for the tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
Response from Dr....Nothing! Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
3 days later....i get a new Dr.
Time for more tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
Response from Dr....Nothing ! Suspected brain trauma but nothing to prove it.
2 days later....i get a few neurological specialists around and some Prof.
Time for a few more tests.
MRI - check
CT - check
Lumbar punch - check
(btw: lumbar punch becomes my least favourite procedure very quickly)
Response is pretty much the same.
I'm going to a different hospital for a different test.
An angiogram.
My mother comes with me.
I'm scared and i'm cold and i dont know what to expect.
We get to the hospital and mom talks to the dr.
Then asks to speak to me privately.
"The dr explained to me how the procedure will work and they going to make an incision in your right groin area. Then they going to insert a tube up a major blood vessel till it reaches your heart.Then its gonna release a dye into your bloodstream.Once the dye has spread enuff they going to do another form of scan on your brain"
They gonna do WHAT ???
I'm in shock and i feel the panic spread through me and it feels like ice cold water flowing through my veins.
It gets worse.
"My baby,I need to tell you something"
"What?"
"Your dad's medical aid is exhausted and we'll have to pay cash from now on"
"erm..ok"
"We want to ask you something?"
"What?"
"The Dr says that normally they put people to sleep before doing this but it can be done using just local anaesthetic.He says that its somewhat painful and uncomfortable but bearable.Will you be able to manage it?"
"Yes mommy"
"If you can't then say so and we'll get them to put you to sleep and worry about the bill later"
"I will do it"
It just got a tad worse.
I'm prepped and naked from the waist down.
The needle feels cold against my inner thigh.
I feel the tiny point as it penetrates my skin.
Damn !!
Eyes closed.
Fists clenched.
Jaw clenched.
Breath held.
Body rigid.
Here we go.
The tube feels hard and cold as its forced into me.
I feel it make its way through my body.
Its feels just like the ice water flowing through me earlier.
Finally it stops.
"We're going to release the dye now"
The warmth of the dye floods my senses and i feel sick.
My mouth tastes like metal.
I feel movement.
I'm inside some machine.
Suddenly a loud noise fills my head.
The machine is on.
I see colours...a kaleidoscope of colours.
I feel sick.
My head is spinning.
Now i feel really sick.
I want this to stop.
Please stop !
I want this to be over.
Please please stop !
The noises stop.
The machine is off.
The warm feeling subsides and is replaces by the now familiar iciness.
The tube is out.
The procedure is over.
I have a new least favourite procedure.
Nothing left but to wait for the results.......
footer